You may not know that I moved from a
small town with roughly two thousand people to a city with millions
of people. I assumed that doing so would grant me the safety to
openly practice my belief system without fear of attack, bullying and
hate towards my family and myself. This allowed me to wear hijab and
feel secure knowing that I am finally doing what my heart tells me to
do. I wore it proudly and happily. It was my beacon of my testament
to my faith.
But today, that hijab became a beacon of hate for you. I do not know your background nor do I know your heart. What I do know, is that your actions were inhumane. I was simply out running errands for my soon to be five year old's birthday party this weekend. You may not of noticed her in the bright pink stroller that I was clearly pushing in front of me. Today you also made her a witness to your careless hate. What did she do to you? What did I do to you? Was I some how violating the principles that our great country was founded on? I will never have your answers to these questions. Some how the group of you thought it would be funny to pick on the Muslim in front of you. So as we waited for the crossing signal to turn you made the awful decision to take away my personal religious security.
You see hearing someone “hack a loogie” makes my stomach instantly churn, I can't handle the sound. I became acutely aware that some one behind me was hacking and spitting. I then felt the nasty warm wet sensation on the back of my leg. I assumed at first that maybe it was an accident, it was a crowded sidewalk after all. But the instant uproar of laughter sent my heart to the bottom of my stomach. Then again, I heard you spit. And again. And again. You uttered these words with your heavy Jamaican accent “God hates Muslims, all them terrorists.” And if that was not enough, you spit on me one more time. God only knows what you said after that because it was as if God sealed my own ears from your hate. To prevent you causing any more pain with your degrading actions and words.
I said nothing to you. I held my head up high and walked numbly on down to my next destination, unaware of the sounds of the traffic or of the hustle and bustle of people walking next to us. I did not want to let my child know what happened or that I was upset, so I pretended as if nothing was wrong. As I watched her eat her dinner, I poked at mine. Reeling at how disgusting and second class you made me feel. I spent the rest of that time finishing my errands, completely numb and wanting to get home. I wanted to tear off my hijab and change out of my clothes as soon as I stepped through the door. I had been violated. Every thing I took for granted, you ripped away in less then two minutes. It took me years to admit that I reverted to Islam, it took even longer to wear hijab in public. And you, you took that away in an instant. You replaced my security with fear. You took something so important away from me and you had not one clue of the damage you carelessly caused.
I do not know your religion or lack of religion, but I assume by the wrong usage of “God” in your racial slur that you follow some sort of Christianity. As a revert I am not a stranger to Christianity, in fact the Bible does not excuse any hate towards your fellow humans. There are indeed several examples in the bible.(1 John 4:20, John 13:34-35, 1 John 2:11) I wanted to clarify that my God, is also your God. Our God does not want me to hate you. So I wont. But that does not mean that your actions were acceptable behaviors. Decent humans do not do that. They do not reduce people down to nothing with their phlegm and their saliva.
So after I returned to the only remaining sanctuary I have now and removed my hijab, I saw your phlegm on the back of my hijab scarf. That did it and because of you, my daughter watched me crumble in front of her because of your actions. I was no longer the only victim of a hate crime, my daughter is now and when my husband returns home from work tonight, he too will become another victim of your hate. Out of your own ignorance, inhumanity, fear and lack of knowledge you have changed our lives. For that one random moment you interacted with me, you made a decision to do something evil. Something God would never consider permissible. But God tells me to pray and forgive you and I will. I will have the patience to rebuild my sanctuary and increase my knowledge of God and his message of peace.
I will forgive you, I will forgive you. I will after the pain you caused ebbs and the anger subsides. After I place my forehead on the ground and allow the tears to fall freely, I will forgive you. Because you do not need my anger to change your heart, you need my forgiveness. I am Sama, I am stronger then your spit and my forgiveness is stronger than your hate.
This is how I practice Islam.
