Saturday, October 19, 2013

"Pretty white for a Muslim."


I had only a few things in my basket when I allowed the man behind me go ahead and cut in front of me. He had three items to my ten. I knew he was Muslim by his mannerisms. His smile was warm and his eyes never made contact with mine as he thanked me for my kindness. Hey, I am not going to let NYC drain my patience and kindness out of me. There is a certain harshness and even within the Muslim community on the streets of NYC. A simple act of letting someone go ahead of me makes their day… But sometimes it opens a segway to a dialogue I was not expecting.

The man in his dingy yellowed kurta pajamas had waited outside of the store for me and to be honest, I was a bit frightened! It was my first shopping experience on my own, so my anxiety was on high alert. But then this man opened his mouth, my anxiety subsided into disbelief and then morphed into a pitiful anger for this poor soul.

He was an older man with just a tuff of a long white beard on his chin and when he talked it waved in the breeze as if it was a flag to his testament of being a Muslim this long. His eyes were kind but shallow and he began to quickly quiz me.  “Are you Muslim?” He asked quizzically as he spied the brightly patterned hijab that I was wearing. “Of course I am.” I replied as I felt my jaw clench shut. Mentally reminding myself that it is unkind to put people in their places. “Oh because you are pretty white for a Muslim.” He replied as he searched the layers of my skin for any possible pigmentation I could be hiding. Thankful for the “If you don’t have anything nice to say…” banter that was reamed into my head in elementary school I firmly uttered “That’s because I am WHITE.” And as I walked away that was the end of that conversation.

I still try to make sense of this issue I am plagued with. I do not fit in with my white non-muslim counter parts very well nor do I fit in with my Muslim community. Where do the square pegs go when they do not fit into the hole meant for the round pegs? Some argue that unless you were born a Muslim then you are not a true Muslim. But I am Muslim because I believe in Islam and I submit my will to Allah. I have no other intentions but to be a better Muslim and the color of my skin has no place within Islam because only my heart and my soul does. As much as I reaffirm myself of that, I find myself still rattled by the ignorance of others. Even more so when it comes from a member of my own Muslim community.

This square peg is still trying to force herself into the hole meant for the round pegs. One day I will find my place within both communities.

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